


and you're the moon, i'm the water

by gravinnen



Series: we make hope from every small disaster [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 07:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9225329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravinnen/pseuds/gravinnen
Summary: turns out things like negative feelings and insecurities don't actually disappear by never talking about them to anyone ever and Isak's not too excited about that. time to face some fears.





	

“I just think that maybe you need to think about whether the things you say to Magnus are a joke to him, as well, you know? Comments like that — can you pass me my toothbrush? No, that’s Eskild’s, I think, it’s the blue one — can really stay with you, you know? Forever. When I was eleven, a girl in my class told me that my chin kind of looked like a butt and I have to say, I don’t think I ever really got over it.”  
  
“Here you go.” Isak says, leaning forward so he can hand Even, who’s taking a shower and taking his sweet time with it, his toothbrush. “Your chin doesn’t look like a butt.”  
  
“And like, I know that, on a realistic level but you know, every once in a while, we all get sad. Some of us get extremely sad, even. And whenever I reach that lowest point, I can’t help but hear Ellen’s voice in my head telling me that my chin kind of looks like a butt.” Even lifts his eyebrows, looking like something’s just hit him. “I think it might actually be where _it_ — ” he flaps his hands vaguely in the air, his toothbrush stuck between his teeth, “ — all started.”  
  
Isak rolls his eyes, leans back against the sink as he crosses his arms in front of his chest and tries not to be distracted by Even’s very, very naked body. “Are you trying to tell me that you’re bipolar because some girl told you your chin kind of looked like a butt when you were eleven?”    
  
“It’s just a theory.”  
  
“It’s a stupid theory. And also probably, like, a really inappropriate way to talk about mental illness.”  
  
“And everyone knows there is no one who talks more appropriately about mental illness than you.” Even says, giving Isak the biggest grin and handing him back his toothbrush. “No one in this world, ever. Especially not me, a person who has a mental illness.”  
  
“ _Anyway_.” Isak says, still not at all comfortable discussing all of the shitty things he’s said to Even in the past, even though Even seem fairly over them. Just yesterday he’d accidentally allowed himself to think about what he had told Even in the dressing room all those weeks ago and he had very nearly pushed his fist through a window out of pure shame and frustration. “Anyway. Your chin is a work of art and everyone should be respectful of it.”  
  
“Ah, Isak.” Even says, his smile growing even bigger. “See, you can be such a great person. Channel this positivity next time you accuse Magnus of having an ugly beanie and you’ll never hear me again.” He moves his hand like he’s zipping up his lip.  
  
“ _Can_ be a great person? Are you actually fucking kidding me, Even… I am a great person! The greatest person, maybe, even.” Isak says, offended. He picks the black shirt that he uses as pajamas up from the ground and puts it on, all the while yelling, “I gave Magnus a compliment once! I fucking ran like, a fucking marathon just to tell you you were not alone, honestly. I apologized to Emma, sort of, even though she fucking outed me to like, everyone.”  
  
“Who the fuck is Emma.”  
  
Isak looks up, slightly confused, to where Even is now trying to make all of his hair stand up like a single unicorn horn on the top of his head using Eskild’s lavender-scented shampoo.  
  
“You know Emma.” He says.  
  
“Never heard of her.”  
  
“Seriously.”  
  
“Never seen her.”  
  
“Even.”  
  
“Never fucking schooled her on harmful generalizations while simultaneously stealing her boyfriend’s heart.”  
  
“I was never her boyfriend.”  
  
“I mean — you touched her boob, though. I saw it happen before my very eyes.”  
  
Isak can feel himself starting to blush as he thinks back on that completely awkward moment. “Not, like, voluntarily.”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“No, but, you know that, right? It’s important to me that you know I didn’t just randomly grab her boob.”  
  
“ _Sure_.”  
  
“Even.”  
  
“Honestly, Isak. I cannot believe that I’m standing here naked looking like a cool fucking shark and you want to discuss whether or not you voluntarily touched Emma’s boob.” Even says, pointing at what actually does look a little bit like a shark fin on his head.  
  
And like, on some level Isak knows that he must have the world’s soppiest expression on his face right now but he can’t help it. He just really, really can’t help it.  
  
“Baby.” He hears himself say in that soft voice that makes him a little nauseous, and Even grins back, like he knows — knows how gone Isak is for him, knows Isak wants to touch him every single second of every single day, especially now when he looks so dorky and so cute and so, so good standing underneath that shower. Isak briefly wonders what it must feel like to never, ever doubt that someone wants you. All of you.  
  
“Are you impressed?” Even strikes a pose, looking off in the distance like a model, hands on his bare hips. “Haute couture.” He strikes another pose, pointing to the creation on his head.  
  
“You should’ve rocked up at Kosegruppa wearing nothing but that shark fin and we wouldn’t have had to go through that whole weird paper towel thing.”  
  
“Ha, amazing!” Even says, washing the shampoo out of his hair, turning the shower off and throwing a towel over his shoulder. “I do have a hard time explaining that to other people and making it sound as cool as I thought it was then.”  
  
He steps out of the shower and closer to Isak, pressing his bare chest against Isak’s clothed chest so his shirt gets a little wet and putting his hand in Isak’s hair. “Hello.”  
  
“Hi.”  
  
“You’re so pretty.” Even says, kissing Isak on his cheek, on his mouth, that spot right below his left eyebrow, then all the way down to his neck.  
  
Isak smiles, feels himself still getting shy as he spots their reflection in the full-length mirror on the other end of the bathroom, then furrowing his brow in worry. “Do you think I have weird knees?”  
  
Even let’s his forehead drop on Isak’s shoulder and sighs. “I’m naked.”  
  
“I’m like, super aware of that.”  
  
“I can feel that, actually, just near my left thigh.”  
  
“Okay.” Isak says, embarrassed and leans back just a little bit more against the sink. “But do I have weird knees?”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about your knees.” Even says. “I want to talk about my — ”  
  
“Don’t.”  
  
“ — Dick.”  
  
“Ugh.” Isak rolls his eyes in what he assumes a fond way and not the annoyed way he was going for. “Answer the fucking question. Are my knees like, weirder than other people’s knees?”  
  
“Oh my god, _no_.” Even takes the towel from his shoulder, clearly resigned to the fact that sex in the bathroom is probably not going to happen tonight. He wags his finger in Isak’s general direction. “But think about this the next time you say something about Magnus and his ugly, blue beanie. Words can be like knives, Isak, _knives_. And before you know it you have a weird complex about your knees. Or your chin.”  
  
Isak wraps his arms around Even, pressing the side of his face against Even’s back. “Did you know he once asked me when two men have sex, who is the girl and who is the guy?”  
  
“Forget I said anything ever.”  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Turns out that stuff like feelings and crippling insecurities and negative thoughts that slowly spiral out of control don’t actually magically disappear by simply ignoring them, or by briefly discussing them with your flatmate, or by never telling your boyfriend about them ever. And Isak’s just not so sure how to deal with that because it’s this — it’s waking up in the middle of the night, barely being able to breathe and wondering how he could think that he could ever, ever be enough for Even, in all his bright and beautiful destructiveness. It’s feeling almost paralyzed by fear when Even goes to a party without him because he’s bound to meet someone else, right? Someone who’s just as funny as he is, just as fast, just as constant. It’s falling, falling, falling until he hears that familiar knock on the door and Even’s here, okay, he’s here, for at least one more day he’s here.  
  
It’s thinking that Even cheated on his girlfriend of four years with Isak and a quiet voice in his head saying it would be only fair if the same happened to him, right? Karma’s a bitch, after all.  
  
“You look tired.” Noora observes on a late Sunday afternoon in January. It’s already dark outside and the two of them are sat in the kitchen. She’s making soup in that quiet, controlled way that makes her so quintessentially her, never looking up from it when she says it.  
  
Isak pushes away the biology book he wasn’t reading. “Didn’t sleep very well.”  
  
“Hmm.”  
  
Isak can never tell if Noora is just really respectful of other people’s boundaries and never wants to intrude or simply completely uninterested in them but he’s spent a lot of silent hours in this kitchen with her. Once they had conversation about potatoes that lasted more than five minutes and it took them both weeks to get over.  
  
But it’s been a long weekend. Even had some family stuff going on and was mostly unavailable except for a really quick make out session in an alley of all places after school on Friday, and Jonas has a girlfriend now, Isak thinks, anyway, even though he refuses to call her that for some reason, and so he was busy too, and sometimes, sometimes you just need to talk to someone.  
  
So he opens the book again, closes it once more, sends a heart emoji to Even on his phone and then, “So, uh, Noora… how, um, how are you and William doing?”  
  
Noora gives him a slightly confused look over her shoulder, then turns back to her soup and shrugs. “Not great, I guess.”  
  
Isak waits for her to elaborate but she doesn’t. She just kind of sighs and stares into her soup. After a couple of minutes, she walks over to him and hands him a bowl filled with nothing but small bits of red paprika.  
  
“This is paprika.” She says.  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“It’s really healthy for you.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Why don’t you try snacking on that while you study.”  
  
Isak takes a bite of paprika and then a deep breath. “Noora?”  
  
“Hmm.”    
  
“Do you believe in like, once a cheater, always a cheater?”  
  
Noora ponders on that, puts some salt in her soup and licks her finger. “I don’t know, actually.”  
  
 “Right.” Isak says casually, as if the kitchen isn’t slowly closing in on him.  
  
“I have this friend who just can’t seem to stay faithful to someone. He’s not even like, a bad person, I don’t think, he’s just all over the place, you know? So, with him, yeah, I think he’ll probably always be a cheater. That’s just how he is.” Noora turns around so she can lean against the counter and look at Isak. Isak takes another bite of paprika. “But then I also have a friend who’s with a guy that cheated on his fiancee with that friend the night before he was supposed to get married and they’re super happy together now. They’re married and have a kid and stuff.”  
  
“Hmm.” Isak’s feeling very conflicted because when is he ever not but he has to admit, even just telling someone about his deepest, darkest fears feels kind of good. Especially because Noora doesn’t know they are his deepest, darkest fears and if she did, she probably wouldn’t care enough about them to ever question him about it again which is exactly what he needs from the superficial relationships with some of his housemates.  
  
“So, no. I don’t believe that, I guess. But I can imagine it not being the greatest starting point for a relationship, you know? When you like, start it by cheating on someone.”  
  
Isak is not entirely sure how to feel about this either although he guesses he agrees with her, and he’s just thinking about any other subject that he can talk to Noora about when suddenly his phone announces it has received a message and honestly, that’s probably a good thing because he was about two seconds away from asking her if she is even trying to find another place to live and he highly doubts that’s the type of conversation he wants to have with her. Or she with him, for that matter.  
  
A message from Even illuminates his screen and Isak hates to admit it but it still gives him butterflies in his stomach. _hiya cutie, what are you up to?_  
  
He smiles at the screen and sends back a reply immediately because he’s nothing if not eager as hell. How lame. _Studying :(_  
  
Noora hands him two tiny carrots. “Carrots are really, really good for you, too.” She says. “Actually helps you if you want to get a tan, did you know?”  
  
Isak swallows, takes a bit of his carrot and and like, most of the time he’s fine, really. When Even wakes him up in the morning by blowing kisses all over his stomach, lightly nipping at his ear or painting pictures on Isak’s back with his fingers, it’s hard to believe that it could ever go wrong. When Isak tries to explain something in his messy, jumbled way, fully expecting Even to misunderstand him but then Even just gets it, and he asks the right questions, leaves the right silences, it’s impossible to fathom that they could ever not be together.  
  
But it’s also a niggling feeling his stomach, sometimes.  
  
It’s thinking that well, if your parents aren’t wiling to stick around for you, then who is, really?  
  
A ping from his phone.  
  
_you can do it!!! i believe in you. just saw the new star wars, so goooood. i’m taking you to see it next week!!! Bring your lightsaber!!!_  
  
Then, another ping.  
  
_to like, fight, not for weird sex stuff._  
  
And right after it, another ping.  
  
_Or is it!!!!!!_  
  
It’s wondering why Even didn’t take Isak to see Star Wars the first time around. It’s an angry fire in his stomach that he can’t seem to put out.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Isak thinks there’ll probably be a time when opening the door to see Even on the other side won’t make him feel totally weak at the knees but he highly, highly doubts that time is in the near future. Even just always looks so good, and so genuinely happy to see Isak and the way his beanie sits just right on the top of his head should be illegal, really, if people expect Isak to get something, _anything_ , done ever again.  
  
“Hi.” He says, leaning forward so he can wrap his arms around Even’s neck. “I didn’t know you were coming over today.” His kiss lands somewhere between Even’s ear and his jawline, blonde hair tickling at his nose, two hands already at the small of his back to push him closer.  
  
“Mouth is here.” Even mumbles against Isak’s lips, trying to simultaneously reach inside his backpack and take off his shoes without having to stop kissing him. “I brought wine!”  
  
“Wine?” Isak says, stepping back and taking the bottle that Even just got out of his backpack so he can hang up his coat. “Why?”  
  
“Because I’m classy as fuck, that’s why.”  
  
“Oh my god.”  
  
Even wiggles his eyebrows. “I just thought we could get a little romantic up in here, you know? Keep it exciting. Keep it fresh.” He bumps his hip against Isak’s.  
  
“Why?”  Isak asks, again.  
  
Even lowers his voice then, dramatically looks around to see if anyone can hear him. “Okay, I don’t know how to tell you this but we’re like — boyfriends. I know, I know. And sometimes when one boy loves another boy very much, they drink wine together and make out.”  
  
“I’m seventeen.”  
  
“No way.” Even recoils in mock horror. “No fucking way. Take this back!” He yells at no one. “This boy has never seen alcohol in his life _ever_ and it must stay this way.” Then, he pushes past Isak to get to Isak’s room. “Get some classy wine glasses, dude!”  
  
So Isak does because Even could probably ask him to walk into a fire and he’d at least seriously consider it. Before he knows it, they’re both sitting on the wooden floor of his room, drinking wine and talking about what their future apartment would look like and about a certain architect that Even’s really into and movies and why the book was better.  
  
“Why didn’t you take me to see Star Wars anyway?” Isak asks after a couple of hours. He’s a little bit more drunk than he feels he should be on a school night and feeling just a little bit petty.  
  
“Because you told me you think aliens are for nerds.”  
  
“Well, they are.”  
  
“So, do you think maybe that’s why I didn’t take you to see Star Wars?”  
  
“Still.” He says, setting down the glass of wine down with more force than he usually would. Isak’s getting a little bit angry now. It’s been building up inside of him for weeks and he hates to admit but, it feels kind of good to let it out. “ _Still_.”  
  
Even seems confused as to how they went from talking about which color they would put on the wall in their industrial apartment — metal grey — to this. “What?” He says.  
  
“Just, like, you could’ve at least invited me. Given me a chance to say no, aliens are for nerds.” Isak tries to laugh but when he sees Even’s eternal smile fall a little bit, it gets caught in his throat.  
  
“Honestly, Isak, are you like, genuinely upset about this?”  
  
“I’m not upset.”  
  
“Right, yeah, the upset expression on your face shows me just how not upset you are about this.”  
  
“I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t even ask me to come with you, I guess.”  
  
“Because I really like Star Wars and I wanted to enjoy it without having to worry about if you would hate it or not.” Even puts his glass down now, too. “I don’t think I should have to apologize for that.”  
  
“I’m not asking you to apologize for it. I just think it’s weird that you think I’m not good enough to go see Star Wars with you.”  
  
And like, somewhere in his mind Isak knows that he’s not making any sense right now but he also knows that it feels nice to push Even’s buttons and to make him angry and he wants that. He wants that fight. He’s been waiting for it for weeks now.  
  
“What the fuck.” Even leans back against the bed. “That’s not at all what I said.”  
  
“It is.” And it’s not, but Isak really, really doesn’t care.  
  
“What are you even talking about? I spontaneously showed up at your fucking house with a bottle of wine and you want to fight with me about not fucking inviting you to see Star Wars with me? A movie that you specifically told me you were not interested in seeing?”  
  
“You know, maybe I do!”  
  
Even seems even more confused now, and upset too. He takes his glass, gulps down another big sip of his wine and somewhere in his mind Isak registers that maybe they shouldn’t be drinking like this, not now, but the thought is just too far away to reach and he’s getting so angry now.  
  
“What’s this really about, then? Is it about your weird inferiority complex? Because that’s getting really old now, to be honest, really fucking old.”  
  
“No, it’s about you fucking cheating on your girlfriend with me!”  
  
That shuts Even up for a couple of second. “Ouch.” He says.  
  
“Yeah.” Isak says, cool and casual like that’s what he wanted to say all along even though it really, really wasn’t. He just wanted to yell a little.  
  
“Okay.” Even looks hurt, actually genuinely hurt but can somehow still get himself to sound earnest and open when he says, “Is that something that really bothers you? Do you want to talk about that?”  
  
“No. Maybe.” And suddenly, in the blink of an eye, it doesn’t feel good anymore, not at all. “No.”  
  
“Because I know that wasn’t okay. I really, really know. And I wish I’d never done it and I’m not trying to excuse my actions or anything but there were other things going on. I didn’t cheat on her because I could, or because I didn’t want to choose, or whatever. You know there were other things going on.”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Isak says, feeling not unlike an deflated balloon.   
  
Even reaches forward like he wants to take Isak’s hand but changes his mind, pretends like Isak didn’t say what he just said. “And I chose you, you know. If I could do it over again differently I would but I would still choose you.”  
  
Isak swallows. He wants to say something but he can’t find the right words. He can’t ever find the right words.  
  
“But I can see you don’t believe me, and I just don’t know what I need to do for you to believe that I’m really, really into you. It seems I can tell you a thousand times that I think you’re so cool and so smart and so pretty but you never believe me and I just don’t understand why.”  
  
“Because my parents don’t care about me and it’s traumatized me for life, probably.” Isak tries to say it jokingly but it comes out like a half-strangled sob and that’s just embarrassing really. He takes a deep breath.  
  
“Ah, Isak.” Even really gently knocks his knee against Isak’s knee. “Isak.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s all really sad.”  
  
“It is, actually.” Even says. “And I want to help you, and like, be there for you if that’s what you want. You can literally call me at three in the morning to talk about your lame parents and I will always listen but I have to say, it is getting a little bit annoying to see the boy that you like so much being so mean to the boy that you like so much.”  
  
“What the hell does that even mean?”  
  
“It means that it’s not great for me to see you not realizing how much I like you. And when you tell me your knees are ugly or whatever, it’s like, insulting to me as well. Because you’re basically telling me that I’ve got bad taste in boys and that’s not true. My ex-boyfriends all had great knees. All of my twenty-seven ex-boyfriends.”  
  
And Isak could cry, really. He’s not going to but he could and so instead, he gives Even a watery smile. “It’s annoying that you’re being so nice to me.”  
  
Even ignores him. “I’m not going to cheat on you.” He says, looking Isak straight in the eye. “I know that might be hard to believe because of some of the things I’ve done but I promise I’m really, really not going to cheat on you.” A pause. “I do, however, need some space sometimes. My own space. I need to feel that I’m my own person. And sometimes going to see Star Wars all by myself is what it takes.”  
  
“I understand that.”  
  
“Yeah, I know.” Even scoots just a little bit closer. “You’re so cool, Isak, try to believe me, at least. Do you really, honestly think an amazing guy like me would ever date someone who’s not at least as equally amazing.”  
  
“Haha.”  
  
“And hilarious.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“With beautiful knees that make all the girls go wild.”  
  
“Girls.”  
  
“It’s funny because you’re like, not into them.”  
  
“Okay!” Isak says, quickly wiping away a single tear with his sleeve that Even graciously pretends not see. “Oh- _kay_.”  
  
“And if you ever have any doubts at all, or if you ever think that you’re like, not cool enough for me or whatever, just think that I tried to hit on you by giving you a single paper tissue that I fucking fished out of an actual, literal trash can.” Even smiles, pushes his nose against Isak’s nose, grabs his face with both of his hands. “Yeah, you’re laughing now but think about that, buddy. Think about that real hard. And if you ever do something as equally embarrassing, then we’ll talk, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They just kind of stare at each other for a while, then Even says, “Isak?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I’m not going to cheat on you.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Hey, hey, Isak?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I’m not going to cheat on you.”  
  
“Okay!”  
  
“And I know that me saying it over and over again doesn’t like, fix everything but just promise me you’ll at least try to believe me when I say you are the best person in the world with the best mouth and the best eyes and the best fucking knees this world has ever seen and that I am not going to cheat on you.”  
  
And Isak kisses him, and Even kisses him back with all the force and love and passion and for that moment, at least, they’re all right. For that small moment in time, everything is all right.

**Author's Note:**

> ah, I did it! there is some angst in this, right? right? title is from the song painting by Chagall by the weepies. really worth a listen if you have the time. I have [a tumblr](https://koninginnen.tumblr.com/) now too! come say hi, if you'd like to!


End file.
